So, I'm starting to get a case of the NaNoWriMo doldrums. On the 5th day, I broke through to 10,000 words. However, I only wrote around roughly 700 words that day. I had a very hard time continuing to write on as I experienced a very emotional character death. Yes, I know you might wonder, how am I getting torn up over the death of a fire ant especially when a number have already died in my work? I don't want to go into too many details, but this one was... special. Not in that she served a particularly unique role that couldn't be fulfilled by any other colony member. No, I just became particularly attached to her, and I began to cry in the moment that I realized she was going to die. One might argue that as a writer, I could have written for her to not die. I could have indeed. However, doing so would have violated the flow of the story and the end that I knew she was destined to meet. At least she died in glorious fire ant on army ant combat, so she'll be taking her place "in ant Valhalla" as my fiance said while comforting me about the issue.
Yesterday, I wrote about 1,700 words. I was starting to experience a sense of being overwhelmed, though. I've written almost 12,000 words so far. But I still have so much further to go. The high of my achievement is starting to wear off, and I'm struggling to find the inspiration to continue to push forward. My thoughts are filled with self doubt and pain. I'm worried if The Red Queen will ever be a work that people read or if the story will just rot in my Dropbox account. I've wanted to be a published novelist for so long. In all of my years of not trying to reach that dream, I felt the sort of comfort that comes from not trying. It makes sense to not have anyone reading your novel if you haven't even written it yet, right? But now, I'll have the pressure and haunted feeling of knowing that I can go forward and that I should go forward. I have the pain of knowing that I will be rejected again and again as I float from slush pile to slush pile.
All of those thoughts are nearly too much to think about, so I'm just working on pushing them from my mind. I'm just going to clamor to find the perseverance to push through my fears and to continue on with this wildly exciting and terrifying month.